So I'm sitting at my computer right now and thinking. I seem to be looking from the outside at my friends who are caving under stress and on the inside at myself. Everyone is caving in. I'm watching Treasure Planet and right now they're playing the song in which the lyrics say, "I want a moment to be real. I want to touch things I can't feel." "I want this because I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here. And I'm still here." And that's how I feel right now. I feel like no matter what happens, I'm still losing someone, whether it be friend, acquaintence, family member, or someone my friends know. Sabha is moving to Chicago. Morgan is moving to live with her mom. Jeremiah's moving to Michigan. And I feel like I'm moving because nobody knows how I feel. I mean I feel like I'm putting on a mask for my friends so they like me. I mean, how I act in front of my school friends and church friends is totally different - at church I seem to have all these stupid girl problems that everyone go to, and at school everyone things my life is perfect except for an occasional death or not getting something or stuff like that. Nobody at Dunlap knows the real me. And nobody at church, even though it pains me to say it, know me either. Kaitlin, we have been friends since 2nd grade and you still don't know everything I've been through, because last year I didn't tell anyone anything and I was completely disconnected from everybody. I don't think I even know myself anymore.
A few years ago I was that girl a different girl - strong minded but not to strong. I would stand up for my beliefs. Nobody could change what I thought. Unless they really tried. And people did. I started to lose touch with God. I started to lose touch with my beliefs. I didn't have the same values or anything.
And now I am so different - still strong minded but now even stronger. Nobody can ever change my thought on things. I am sort of immune to preps pressuring me. I'm stronger in my walk with God. I pray more. But I've lost friends. So many friends all over silly things. All because of somethings I've said that i didn't mean that I said in haste.
I'm not being successful right now - not by my definition. To me being successful is when you have the ability to go from failure to failure and not lose enthusiasm. But I've failed so many times and I have lost so much enthusiasm that I'm really not being a successful person like I should be - Like we ALL should be.
So I've been talking too much. I haven't said all that I wanted to say but that's all right. I can talk later. Please do NOT leave a comment because I really don't feel like having people try to help me be lifted up and feel better when they need them encouragement even more. I mean, I have the strength to carry on right now but so many others don't. Talk to me if you need to talk. I'll be there.
Y Abby Y
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